Chapter 2, verses 1-6: Mary and Joseph dodge the census/Jesus is born

1. Mary had a friend called Elizabeth, and she learned that Elizabeth was pregnant too after being told she could not have children. So she hopped on a donkey and went to see her, and upon sight of Mary, Elizabeth felt the baby inside her jump, as if for joy. This fucking kid, Elizabeth said, I feel like it's going to crack my ribs from the inside. And Mary said, how did you come to be pregnant? I thought you could not have children. And Elizabeth replied, I don't know. I got shafted by a kosher butcher a month or so ago, but then again an angel did tell me I had been blessed. Snap! said Mary, is yours the son of God too? And Elizabeth said no, this one's going to be a baptist or something, and Mary said, I win.

2. And Elizabeth had her child, and named him Fat Chops, but was told to change it to John, so she did. And Mary grew bigger, and Joseph told her they must travel to Bethlehem to register for a census. The census of Publius Sulpicius Quirinius? Mary asked. Yes, said Joseph. But surely he's not due to be Governor of Syria for another few years, after the death of Herod? Also, wouldn't a census require us to register where we live, rather than where you were born? What kind of logic is this? Mary countered. Joseph replied, I don't know, I'm just doing what I'm told. And you have to come with me. So they hopped on a strong donkey and rode to Bethlehem.

3. Halfway along the road from Nazareth to Bethlehem, Mary's waters broke and the donkey drowned. Joseph bought a wheelbarrow and pushed her the rest of the way. They tried different inns but the owners were all anti-semitic and wouldn't let them in. Eventually, one innkeeper with conflicting views on Judaism suggested they use his barn. Mary laid down in the straw and Joseph fed the chickens until her contractions really got going. The baby is nearly here, Mary cried. I'll be back shortly, Joseph said, and when he returned he found Mary holding the baby and eating the afterbirth. This is Jesus, Mary said, his name was given to me by Gabriel. And the baby glowed like a little sun.

4. Some shepherds were in the fields, taking turns with a pretty sheep. The angel of the Lord came down. You done not seen nuthin', the shepherds said. Follow that star, Gabriel said, pointing to the biggest, brightest star in the sky. There is a baby there to worship. Why should we go a-worshippin' yon babe eh?, the shepherds asked, Thars mental. He is the King of Men, Gabriel explained, and the Son of God. Okay then, the shepherds replied. In no time they were at the stable, worshipping Jesus and his mother, but not Joseph so much.

5. A bit later, three wise men joined the love-in. We have travelled from far, they said, and have brought Jesus some presents. And one gave him some gold, and the other gave him frankincense, and the third circumcised him and gave him the foreskin in a presentation box. We followed the bright star after doing some intense logarithms and magic spells. Integer or non-integer logarithms? Mary asked. A bit of both, they replied. Can I see your penises? Mary asked. No, they replied, except for one who gave her a quick flash on his way out. Oh, by the way, he said, King Herod has heard that the Son of God is born and he doesn't appreciate the competition, and has therefore ordered the murder of little boys. So hide this little dazzler. And saying so, he pinched Jesus' cheek and winked.

6. Herod? Mary asked. How can Herod be King if we're in Bethlehem because of a census ordered by Publius Sulpicius Quirinius? And Joseph chided her and said that women should not meddle in politics, and then suggested they go and hide in Egypt while Herod has children killed. So they hopped on a donkey and got out of town.