Chapter 1, verses 4-7: Mary is given the news

4. So Gabriel flew down to Mary and found her drawing a picture. And he said, What are you drawing?, and Mary said, Willies, for I like willies very much. There is nothing I like more than a good willy. And Gabriel replied, I see, but you are a virgin aren't you? And Mary replied, Yes, I am a virgin, but I sometimes sneak a look at the men getting changed after a football match just so I can see the willies - all different shapes and sizes, but beautiful in their own way. Gabriel replied, I am glad you are a virgin, because you have to be in order to produce the son of God, which is something I should have mentioned earlier perhaps. God has chosen you to be the mother to his child.

5. Is he circumcised or intact? Mary asked, but Gabriel replied, I don't know, and it doesn't really matter because he won't actually be having sex with you, he'll just magic the baby up inside you. This is just a courtesy call really. And Mary sighed, because she was sad, but saw that she had no choice and told Gabriel okay, and added that she liked his wings. Thank you, Gabriel said, and then said, Perhaps when you're not in such a delicate way you can come for a flight around the world with me. And Mary was very glad and agreed, and then asked Gabriel if he was circumcised or intact, but Gabriel flew away before he could answer.

6. And Mary was alone in her house. She shaded in her pictures and patted her belly, and realised that she was already carrying the Son of God. She went into the town and found her mother, who owned a sweet shop. And Mary said, Mother, I have been visited by an angel and he told me that I am heavy with the Son of God. And Mary's mother asked, Have you told Joseph? and Mary replied that no, she had not told Joseph, but it was on her to-do list. And her mother gave her a big bag of rhubarb and custard sweeties and told her that Joseph was still in his table shop if she wanted to catch him and tell him the news.

7. And Mary found Joseph and told him that she had been visited by an angel who told her that she was carrying God's child. And Joseph replied, I know, because he also appeared to me and told me not to be afraid to marry you, because you're not a slapper, and were in fact still a virgin even though you have an encyclopaedic knowledge of penises. And Joseph added that Gabriel offered to take him on a flight around the world once this whole business was done with. And Mary felt less special until Joseph reminded her that it doesn't get much more special than carrying the Son of God.