I apologise profusely for the delay in updates. I have been battling intense legal threats and a thorough hate campaign from the Roman Catholic Church, the Reformed Church, the Greek Orthodox Church, the Russian Orthodox Church, Anabaptists, Pentecostalists, Seventh Day Adventists, the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints, Jehovah's Witnesses, the Plymouth Brethren, the Exclusive Brethren, the Exclusive Plymouth Brethren, the Presbyterians, the Baptists, The Methodist Church, Lutherans, the Evangelical Free Church of America, the Salvation Army and, bizarrely, the World Wrestling Federation. They have bombarded me with offensive mail and dead frogs; they have preached against my work in their churches, cathedrals and flash animations. In seeking legal help I have had to cut my funding. I have lost my research assistants, my close colleague, my office space. I cannot pay my library fines and I've had to give back my Mary Magdalene mouse mat.
But you cannot silence truth, especially a truth that is based on religious fact. And fact is belief, and belief is true. So I must go on. In 2008 I intend to continue my work, alone, and bring you more of the Gospel According To Saint Darren. Thank you for staying with this project. Please speak up for me and ask your spiritual leader not to sue me. I only want to bring the glory of this new gospel to the world, and in doing so enlighten and enjollify the entire world.
With kind regards
Darren (Saint) (BA Hons)
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Chapter 3, verses 1-5: King Herod is evil/Baby Jesus returns to Nazareth
1. Herod lived in a big creepy castle in Grayskull, with a raven for a friend that perched on his shoulder. He paced up and down and drank from a spooky goblet made of bones, and stroked his goatee beard. He called his minions and said, Minions, I want an update on the slaughtering of the innocents, or as I like to call them, the crown-stealing little bastards. And his minions replied, It goes well, my dark lord, we've killed hundreds of them. And Herod replied, Yes, but have you killed the one who threatens my power the most?
2. Oh, said the minions, we thought you meant well in terms of quantity. But it's safe to say that we have slaughtered the one that's given you restless nights. Restless nights!, Herod boomed, I do not have restless nights, for I am incredibly evil. And he cackled cruelly. Mwahaha!
3. Herod was pleased that the boy was taken care of, and stirred his cauldron with satisfaction. Now that the boy is dead, I will reign supreme forever! Mwahaha!, he said, until a minion reminded him that he had been given only three months to live by the doctor. And Herod was sad.
4. Mary and Joseph had been hiding behind a pyramid in Egypt until the coast was clear, and then made their way back to Nazareth, where Joseph had just opened a new furniture shop. And they proudly showed off their new child, but kept quiet about him being the son of God because they didn't want to hamper his development by increasing pressure of expectation. Elizabeth brought her son round and told them, This is John, he's going to be a baptist, he's currently breastfeeding and my tits feel like chewed toffees. And Mary replied, This is Jesus, he's fairly special too. I'm using formula because Joseph likes my two new handfuls, and since he's not allowed to have sex with me, I thought I should give him something he can look at. And Joseph excused himself from the conversation and visited Mary Magdalen, who lived down the lane.
5. And time passed, and soon Jesus was a little boy walking around and talking to people, and Joseph found a grey pube.
2. Oh, said the minions, we thought you meant well in terms of quantity. But it's safe to say that we have slaughtered the one that's given you restless nights. Restless nights!, Herod boomed, I do not have restless nights, for I am incredibly evil. And he cackled cruelly. Mwahaha!
3. Herod was pleased that the boy was taken care of, and stirred his cauldron with satisfaction. Now that the boy is dead, I will reign supreme forever! Mwahaha!, he said, until a minion reminded him that he had been given only three months to live by the doctor. And Herod was sad.
4. Mary and Joseph had been hiding behind a pyramid in Egypt until the coast was clear, and then made their way back to Nazareth, where Joseph had just opened a new furniture shop. And they proudly showed off their new child, but kept quiet about him being the son of God because they didn't want to hamper his development by increasing pressure of expectation. Elizabeth brought her son round and told them, This is John, he's going to be a baptist, he's currently breastfeeding and my tits feel like chewed toffees. And Mary replied, This is Jesus, he's fairly special too. I'm using formula because Joseph likes my two new handfuls, and since he's not allowed to have sex with me, I thought I should give him something he can look at. And Joseph excused himself from the conversation and visited Mary Magdalen, who lived down the lane.
5. And time passed, and soon Jesus was a little boy walking around and talking to people, and Joseph found a grey pube.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Chapter 2, verses 1-6: Mary and Joseph dodge the census/Jesus is born
1. Mary had a friend called Elizabeth, and she learned that Elizabeth was pregnant too after being told she could not have children. So she hopped on a donkey and went to see her, and upon sight of Mary, Elizabeth felt the baby inside her jump, as if for joy. This fucking kid, Elizabeth said, I feel like it's going to crack my ribs from the inside. And Mary said, how did you come to be pregnant? I thought you could not have children. And Elizabeth replied, I don't know. I got shafted by a kosher butcher a month or so ago, but then again an angel did tell me I had been blessed. Snap! said Mary, is yours the son of God too? And Elizabeth said no, this one's going to be a baptist or something, and Mary said, I win.
2. And Elizabeth had her child, and named him Fat Chops, but was told to change it to John, so she did. And Mary grew bigger, and Joseph told her they must travel to Bethlehem to register for a census. The census of Publius Sulpicius Quirinius? Mary asked. Yes, said Joseph. But surely he's not due to be Governor of Syria for another few years, after the death of Herod? Also, wouldn't a census require us to register where we live, rather than where you were born? What kind of logic is this? Mary countered. Joseph replied, I don't know, I'm just doing what I'm told. And you have to come with me. So they hopped on a strong donkey and rode to Bethlehem.
3. Halfway along the road from Nazareth to Bethlehem, Mary's waters broke and the donkey drowned. Joseph bought a wheelbarrow and pushed her the rest of the way. They tried different inns but the owners were all anti-semitic and wouldn't let them in. Eventually, one innkeeper with conflicting views on Judaism suggested they use his barn. Mary laid down in the straw and Joseph fed the chickens until her contractions really got going. The baby is nearly here, Mary cried. I'll be back shortly, Joseph said, and when he returned he found Mary holding the baby and eating the afterbirth. This is Jesus, Mary said, his name was given to me by Gabriel. And the baby glowed like a little sun.
4. Some shepherds were in the fields, taking turns with a pretty sheep. The angel of the Lord came down. You done not seen nuthin', the shepherds said. Follow that star, Gabriel said, pointing to the biggest, brightest star in the sky. There is a baby there to worship. Why should we go a-worshippin' yon babe eh?, the shepherds asked, Thars mental. He is the King of Men, Gabriel explained, and the Son of God. Okay then, the shepherds replied. In no time they were at the stable, worshipping Jesus and his mother, but not Joseph so much.
5. A bit later, three wise men joined the love-in. We have travelled from far, they said, and have brought Jesus some presents. And one gave him some gold, and the other gave him frankincense, and the third circumcised him and gave him the foreskin in a presentation box. We followed the bright star after doing some intense logarithms and magic spells. Integer or non-integer logarithms? Mary asked. A bit of both, they replied. Can I see your penises? Mary asked. No, they replied, except for one who gave her a quick flash on his way out. Oh, by the way, he said, King Herod has heard that the Son of God is born and he doesn't appreciate the competition, and has therefore ordered the murder of little boys. So hide this little dazzler. And saying so, he pinched Jesus' cheek and winked.
6. Herod? Mary asked. How can Herod be King if we're in Bethlehem because of a census ordered by Publius Sulpicius Quirinius? And Joseph chided her and said that women should not meddle in politics, and then suggested they go and hide in Egypt while Herod has children killed. So they hopped on a donkey and got out of town.
2. And Elizabeth had her child, and named him Fat Chops, but was told to change it to John, so she did. And Mary grew bigger, and Joseph told her they must travel to Bethlehem to register for a census. The census of Publius Sulpicius Quirinius? Mary asked. Yes, said Joseph. But surely he's not due to be Governor of Syria for another few years, after the death of Herod? Also, wouldn't a census require us to register where we live, rather than where you were born? What kind of logic is this? Mary countered. Joseph replied, I don't know, I'm just doing what I'm told. And you have to come with me. So they hopped on a strong donkey and rode to Bethlehem.
3. Halfway along the road from Nazareth to Bethlehem, Mary's waters broke and the donkey drowned. Joseph bought a wheelbarrow and pushed her the rest of the way. They tried different inns but the owners were all anti-semitic and wouldn't let them in. Eventually, one innkeeper with conflicting views on Judaism suggested they use his barn. Mary laid down in the straw and Joseph fed the chickens until her contractions really got going. The baby is nearly here, Mary cried. I'll be back shortly, Joseph said, and when he returned he found Mary holding the baby and eating the afterbirth. This is Jesus, Mary said, his name was given to me by Gabriel. And the baby glowed like a little sun.
4. Some shepherds were in the fields, taking turns with a pretty sheep. The angel of the Lord came down. You done not seen nuthin', the shepherds said. Follow that star, Gabriel said, pointing to the biggest, brightest star in the sky. There is a baby there to worship. Why should we go a-worshippin' yon babe eh?, the shepherds asked, Thars mental. He is the King of Men, Gabriel explained, and the Son of God. Okay then, the shepherds replied. In no time they were at the stable, worshipping Jesus and his mother, but not Joseph so much.
5. A bit later, three wise men joined the love-in. We have travelled from far, they said, and have brought Jesus some presents. And one gave him some gold, and the other gave him frankincense, and the third circumcised him and gave him the foreskin in a presentation box. We followed the bright star after doing some intense logarithms and magic spells. Integer or non-integer logarithms? Mary asked. A bit of both, they replied. Can I see your penises? Mary asked. No, they replied, except for one who gave her a quick flash on his way out. Oh, by the way, he said, King Herod has heard that the Son of God is born and he doesn't appreciate the competition, and has therefore ordered the murder of little boys. So hide this little dazzler. And saying so, he pinched Jesus' cheek and winked.
6. Herod? Mary asked. How can Herod be King if we're in Bethlehem because of a census ordered by Publius Sulpicius Quirinius? And Joseph chided her and said that women should not meddle in politics, and then suggested they go and hide in Egypt while Herod has children killed. So they hopped on a donkey and got out of town.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Chapter 1, verses 4-7: Mary is given the news
4. So Gabriel flew down to Mary and found her drawing a picture. And he said, What are you drawing?, and Mary said, Willies, for I like willies very much. There is nothing I like more than a good willy. And Gabriel replied, I see, but you are a virgin aren't you? And Mary replied, Yes, I am a virgin, but I sometimes sneak a look at the men getting changed after a football match just so I can see the willies - all different shapes and sizes, but beautiful in their own way. Gabriel replied, I am glad you are a virgin, because you have to be in order to produce the son of God, which is something I should have mentioned earlier perhaps. God has chosen you to be the mother to his child.
5. Is he circumcised or intact? Mary asked, but Gabriel replied, I don't know, and it doesn't really matter because he won't actually be having sex with you, he'll just magic the baby up inside you. This is just a courtesy call really. And Mary sighed, because she was sad, but saw that she had no choice and told Gabriel okay, and added that she liked his wings. Thank you, Gabriel said, and then said, Perhaps when you're not in such a delicate way you can come for a flight around the world with me. And Mary was very glad and agreed, and then asked Gabriel if he was circumcised or intact, but Gabriel flew away before he could answer.
6. And Mary was alone in her house. She shaded in her pictures and patted her belly, and realised that she was already carrying the Son of God. She went into the town and found her mother, who owned a sweet shop. And Mary said, Mother, I have been visited by an angel and he told me that I am heavy with the Son of God. And Mary's mother asked, Have you told Joseph? and Mary replied that no, she had not told Joseph, but it was on her to-do list. And her mother gave her a big bag of rhubarb and custard sweeties and told her that Joseph was still in his table shop if she wanted to catch him and tell him the news.
7. And Mary found Joseph and told him that she had been visited by an angel who told her that she was carrying God's child. And Joseph replied, I know, because he also appeared to me and told me not to be afraid to marry you, because you're not a slapper, and were in fact still a virgin even though you have an encyclopaedic knowledge of penises. And Joseph added that Gabriel offered to take him on a flight around the world once this whole business was done with. And Mary felt less special until Joseph reminded her that it doesn't get much more special than carrying the Son of God.
5. Is he circumcised or intact? Mary asked, but Gabriel replied, I don't know, and it doesn't really matter because he won't actually be having sex with you, he'll just magic the baby up inside you. This is just a courtesy call really. And Mary sighed, because she was sad, but saw that she had no choice and told Gabriel okay, and added that she liked his wings. Thank you, Gabriel said, and then said, Perhaps when you're not in such a delicate way you can come for a flight around the world with me. And Mary was very glad and agreed, and then asked Gabriel if he was circumcised or intact, but Gabriel flew away before he could answer.
6. And Mary was alone in her house. She shaded in her pictures and patted her belly, and realised that she was already carrying the Son of God. She went into the town and found her mother, who owned a sweet shop. And Mary said, Mother, I have been visited by an angel and he told me that I am heavy with the Son of God. And Mary's mother asked, Have you told Joseph? and Mary replied that no, she had not told Joseph, but it was on her to-do list. And her mother gave her a big bag of rhubarb and custard sweeties and told her that Joseph was still in his table shop if she wanted to catch him and tell him the news.
7. And Mary found Joseph and told him that she had been visited by an angel who told her that she was carrying God's child. And Joseph replied, I know, because he also appeared to me and told me not to be afraid to marry you, because you're not a slapper, and were in fact still a virgin even though you have an encyclopaedic knowledge of penises. And Joseph added that Gabriel offered to take him on a flight around the world once this whole business was done with. And Mary felt less special until Joseph reminded her that it doesn't get much more special than carrying the Son of God.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Chapter 1, verses 1-3: Mary is Chosen
1. And so it was that God had let people get on with it for several years and decided therefore that it was time to get involved once more. And so he said, Gabriel, I really must stick with projects when I start them, is Earth still going strong? and Gabriel replied, My Lord, the Earth is currently one of the best planets in the Milky Way, but the people upon it could do with some guidance. And God replied, Guidance you say, but what can I do? I'm a big puffy white cloud.
2. Gabriel nodded and replied, you should send your son down to guide mankind into goodness. God looked under his chair and said, I don't seem to have a son, how can I go about making one? and Gabriel replied, mankind tend to have sex when they want a child, but because you are a cloud I suspect that option is closed to you. And God replied, I can pretty much do what I want, I'm God, but I don't fancy going near a woman's genitals, so I'll pick a woman at random and pop a little boy in her tum-tum just like magic. And he closed his eyes and put his finger on a map of the world and it landed on Mary, a woman who lived in Jerusalem.
3. That's a shame, Gabriel said, all the action seems to happen around there and I was hoping for somewhere new like Mexico. But there we have it, I will go and tell Mary to expect a baby who will be the son of God and saviour of mankind, unless you want to do it? but God had already fallen asleep so Gabriel was a little bit pissed off but went to Mary anyway.
2. Gabriel nodded and replied, you should send your son down to guide mankind into goodness. God looked under his chair and said, I don't seem to have a son, how can I go about making one? and Gabriel replied, mankind tend to have sex when they want a child, but because you are a cloud I suspect that option is closed to you. And God replied, I can pretty much do what I want, I'm God, but I don't fancy going near a woman's genitals, so I'll pick a woman at random and pop a little boy in her tum-tum just like magic. And he closed his eyes and put his finger on a map of the world and it landed on Mary, a woman who lived in Jerusalem.
3. That's a shame, Gabriel said, all the action seems to happen around there and I was hoping for somewhere new like Mexico. But there we have it, I will go and tell Mary to expect a baby who will be the son of God and saviour of mankind, unless you want to do it? but God had already fallen asleep so Gabriel was a little bit pissed off but went to Mary anyway.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Large News
Welcome to the very end of 2006. You have a few days to take some very deep breaths and prepare for the publishing event of 2007 - the New Gospel. Darren, the world's only living saint (with honours) has researched longish and hardesque to bring you the New Gospel.
The Gospel According to Saint Darren will shock and awe, as well as comfort and excite. It will answer questions you didn't know you were asking. It will blow open the doors marked 'Christianity' and install a catflap named 'Truth'. It will rock the Church to its very foundations and shoot hot air up the cassocks of priests.
The Gospel According to Saint Darren will put the 'Gee' in Jesus, and nothing will ever be the same again for a little while.
The Gospel According to Saint Darren - coming in 2007.
The Gospel According to Saint Darren will shock and awe, as well as comfort and excite. It will answer questions you didn't know you were asking. It will blow open the doors marked 'Christianity' and install a catflap named 'Truth'. It will rock the Church to its very foundations and shoot hot air up the cassocks of priests.
The Gospel According to Saint Darren will put the 'Gee' in Jesus, and nothing will ever be the same again for a little while.
The Gospel According to Saint Darren - coming in 2007.
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